The Emotional Rollercoaster (2012)

I was continuing to get my routine testing done.  I began to feel such an overwhelming feeling of insecurity and anxiety.  It was finally starting to hit me.  "I really can't get pregnant"  I would leave every doctor's appointment in tears....just sitting in my car.  It didn't matter if my mom was with me, or if Miguel was with me... I just couldn't take it anymore.  I just kept thinking to myself... "Why won't my body do, the one thing that a woman is suppose to do?!"  "What was this going to do to my marriage?"  "Can Miguel handle this......handle me?"  I couldn't stand it when people would say "Don't think about it so much, it'll happen".... Ughhh

My mind was racing with all of the possibilities.  I never thought that I would battle infertility.  Never.

I started to confide in my Uncle Curtis a lot.  He was my outlet.  My Aunt Abby and Uncle Curtis tried to conceive for years, and were unsuccessful.  How did they cope?   I needed to talk to someone who had experienced this first hand.  No one understands how this feels inside unless they have physically and mentally endured this themselves.  My Uncle was there for me throughout the entire process.  He would tell me how difficult it was going to be and how it would become an emotional rollercoaster.   My husband, mother, brother, sister, in-laws, and my closest friends..... the support was unconditional.

My anxiety and depression were getting the best of me at this point.  I was having panic attacks so frequently, that I knew that something had to give.  I never knew what a panic attack was until one night I thought I was dying of a heart attack......                       WORST.FEELING.EVER.    

I never let myself lose faith.  I prayed.... Alot.  I had many sleepless nights just tossing and turning.  I went to my doctor for some results one day, and I told him about my anxiety, holding back the tears, and my voice shaking.  He asked me if I wanted medication or a recommendation for a therapist.  He suggested therapy before medication.  I took the therapist name and number.....  I never called.  I told myself that what I was going through had to be 100% mental. I knew deep down that I was strong enough to get through this on my own.  My stepdad raised me to always "suck it up" and keep going. I definitely did not want to disappoint him.  I knew that I had to trust my struggle and keep pushing.  I didn't need medication... I needed inner strength.  This was happening for a reason.  I had to trust myself to be strong enough. 
 
 The mind is one of the most powerful things I have ever encountered.  It can control your entire life, and it does just that.  I changed my thinking.  I opened up to my family and husband about my anxiety  I needed to know that I wasn't alone in this.  They could not have been more supportive.    Miguel assured me that he would stick by my side, whether we had a baby or not. We were in this together.  We made vows to one another and that meant more to us than anything.  I decided to re-dedicate myself to the Lord and I was trying to get my mind back on track. 

I won that battle with anxiety.  I began to do a little bit of yoga, and meditation from time to time.  I do get anxious and feel it coming back every now and then, but I fight it.  Infertility is one of the most emotional things I've ever gone through, and I've been through a lot.  My mom has cried a lot during this journey.  I don't think I would have made it this far without her or Miguel.  They are my strength.  I try not to tell my mom when I'm feeling down, so she won't cry.  Every now and then I sit down and cry, or even when I leave a doctor's appointment.  It's only natural I think......and I also think that I'm entitled to those feelings.  I started to look at the bright side of things.  Some people were way worse off than I was.  There are kids dying out there, and I'm here crying because I can't get pregnant.  This was going to be a part of Miguel and I's journey.  We would have a story to tell.  I kept telling myself that this was happening for a reason. There was a divine purpose for this journey that I was on. I had 2 choices.. I could spend my days sad and feeling sorry for myself, or enjoy the journey and create a beautiful story.